Remember
by curlycutie016
Summary: I remember now...how much I loved them.


"I remember now...how much I loved them"

-Anastasia

It was strange how much she did remember, how quickly people, places and events came to mind now.

Anya, 'No not Anya, it's Anastasia now,' she reminds herself; she thinks it could be the opulent surroundings that are helping bring back memories now. After reminiscing with her Grandmother for the evening she was now lying in a bed large enough to hold five of the orphans she used to live with.

'Don't think about them,' she quickly thinks. Too late, Darya's laugh filled her ears, Pasha's little hands reached for a comforting hug after he had a bad dream, oh God even the sick little baby who the children had called Tanya as she was baptized then buried in the yard was there in her mind still.

Anya lies there, staring up at the silk canopy and tries to remember her sisters and brother instead. Maybe it was all the facts drilled into her by Vlad and Dimitri that made remembering so easy. But now facts were turning into real memories.

At times Anya doubted if her Grandmother was right about her, maybe the additional information in her memory was just her wanting to have a family so badly that it created personal anecdotes about her past to make it real.

But it had to be true! As Anya tries to remember each one she says their name and remembers.

"Olga," she whispers. Olga was the oldest but was reserved and a bit of a dreamer. She wasn't the leader of the siblings like Tatiana was. 'Olga made fun of my drawing, a pig riding a donkey, she was getting ready and I kept pushing the drawing in her face, her tiara tilted and was crooked when she snapped her opinion about my picture.' Anya smiles.

"Tatiana," she says slowly, each syllable rolling. Tatiana, 'the governess' the siblings had called her. Tatiana was the bossy one and Mama's favourite, but Tatiana was the one they would go to if there were problems when Mama was lying down with a 'headache'. That night Tatiana had been the most beautiful in their traditional Russian costumes; the girls were always dressed alike so it was obvious that Tatiana was prettiest. Anya hadn't bothered to show her the drawing since she knew Tatiana wouldn't approve of not getting ready on time to finish a picture.

"Maria…no Mashka," she remembers. They were the Little Pair. It was Olga and Tatiana, the Big Pair and Marie and Anastasia the Little Pair. Her older sister by two years, they were so connected. Marie wanted to marry a soldier and have ten babies. Anya laughs quietly at the thought of dreaming about having that many children. After being surrounded and caring for double that number at the orphanage she can't imagine wanting to have that many children of her own. It makes her realize how young Marie was when she wrote about that in her diary, which was not stealthy hidden under her pillow.

"My baby brother, Alexei," her voice is soft and sad, the voice always used by her mother when saying his name to others. He was 'Baby.' Mother and Father had prayed for so long for a son and an heir. The girls knew how important he was when he was born, he was born to lead the Russian people and it was up to them to take care of him.

It was more important to keep him away from dangerous things; otherwise he would bleed and cry. Anya remembers how hard it was to discourage him from doing dangerous and risky things with her. She can't forget his painful screams, crying out to die rather than suffer after he had gotten into mischief, fallen and become injured.

Once a boy had fallen and broken his leg after falling out a tree at the orphanage, for Anya his screams and her brother's are the same in her memory.

She has so many memories and thoughts. The worst was now that she was beginning to remember them all; she had to accept the fact that they were all gone.

She was the oldest now. Funny, the one the others called 'imp', who had created the most havoc, was always the clown was now older than all her dead siblings. "My family is dead," she says aloud. She sits up in her bed and walks over to the vanity, sits down and looks in the mirror.

She looks in the mirror and recites stonily, "My family is dead; Papa, Mama, Olga, Tatiana, Marie and Alexei are dead. I'm the only one left. My name is Anastasia Nikolaevna Romanova. I am a Grand Duchess of Russia."

It's just like her memorization lessons with Vlad and Dimitri, '"Where was Uncle Boris from?" "Do you like tea?" "Where were you born?"' The plain simple facts, just the truth.

'But the truth is more than facts!' she thinks angrily. In the dim light of the room she can see her face flushing with anger. The truth is Anya wanted to belong to a family, she remembers this family, this family was taken from her and she remembers it all.


End file.
